I had a conversation with someone going through the same things I am, and I don’t want to be this way. Having this account is only setting me back. If I ever want to be better, then tumblr needs to go. Just thought I’d put that out there.

ayugeni asked: Running, working out, writing, drawing, going to a park and swinging until you can't feel your legs anymore. Try random stuff until you find something that works for you.

Thank you. I will.

Anonymous asked: you're not alone remember that okay?

Ok. I’ll try.

ayugeni asked: You're dealing with a lot, it's okay to get overwhelmed. You can worry about that later. Your body will heal. Have you tried finding other ways of dealing with stress?

Like what? I don’t know any other way. Not any healthy ways.

ayugeni asked: Think of a happy memory, or a close friend, anyone or anything that helps you calm down. My way of backing down from a panic attack is thinking about my dog. He's goofy, and it makes me smile. Something about that lets the air back into my lungs. When you say you slipped up, what do you mean?

I self harm. I’ve been trying to get it under control, but I’ve been under so much stress, and there’s been a lot of things going on and as you can see, I haven’t been coping well. So I slipped up.

ayugeni asked: Yes you can, dear. Everything is worse at night. It's when we feel the most alone. But you're not alone tonight.

I’m just scared. I don’t even know why anymore. My heart won’t quit racing. And I just slipped up and did something I shouldn’t have. I wish someone would hug me.

ayugeni asked: As someone who has panic attacks, I can empathize with feeling that way. You should know, I won't be sleeping tonight, so I'll be here with you. Keep talking to me.

I feel so alone. I can’t do this.

ayugeni asked: Oh wow... I'm so sorry. Do you still happen to have that card? And do you feel comfortable talking to your mom about your fears? She could help you find out if you could do something like file a restraining order. Also, something that helps people cope is taking a self defense class. Just knowing that you would be more prepared in the event that you did see him might be enough to take some of your fear away.

Unfortunately, no, I don’t have the card. And I don’t have a good relationship with my mother. I wouldn’t know how to broach the subject, and she wouldn’t likely know how to deal with it. The only reason the police were called was because some of the other neighbors made her. I don’t have time nor money to take a class like that. Anyway, I think part of the reason I’m so afraid right now is because I’m in a really fragile state at the moment.

ayugeni asked: How did you know him? And did you report him?

He was my neighbor. I frequently watched his two year old daughter for almost a year. He often gave me shelter and food when I was locked out or had no food at home. He was almost a father figure to me at one point. I don’t remember if I reported him. I remember that my mother called the cops and I spoke to a police officer and he gave me a card to call if I wanted to talk. But I was scared and confused and thought it was my fault, so I never called the number.

ayugeni asked: What are you afraid of?

The man who molested me. Of him finding me. I’m unfinished business to him. I escaped before he could rape me. What if he comes after me? Or someone I know?

ayugeni asked: I'm here if you want someone to talk with :)

I’m just irrationally scared right now. And I’m alone. I don’t know what to do.

I’m all alone and scared and I have no one to talk to.

effortlessly-me asked: u really shouldn't be friends w/ someone who molested u. especially on FB. I think maybe u should delete that person. bc you don't know what they are doing behind a computer screen.

…. What? I’m not FRIENDS with him! Why the fuck would I be friends with someone who molested me? We have MUTUAL friends. As in people I’m friends with are friends with him. And I JUST realized this.

Some people in friends with on Facebook are friends with the man who molested me. These people go to my school. They know who I am. I’m FRIENDS with them. He could be stalking my Facebook as I type this.

I’m freaking out.

I binged really bad today. My stomach hurts so bad. I could barely purge any of it. So I’m feeling pretty shitty. I went for a walk earlier so it’s not as bad as it could be. I’m thinking about sneaking out to go on another walk. Not sure yet though. Hmm…